The Worst Part by Paula Mathieu

Paula Mathieu

Paula Mathieu is a writer and writing teacher who lives in Massachusetts. Her nonfiction work has appeared in Writers: Craft and Context, The Examined Life Journal, and The Huffington Post.

The Worst Part 

Maybe the worst part is that he had been my first: first boyfriend, first kiss, first love

Or perhaps the worst part is that his family embraced me, made me one of them, after my dad died and my mom grew quiet

I think the worst part is that our breakup had been amicable; we hadn’t seen each other or talked for four years before that night

Maybe the worst part is I thought this was a friendly reunion of two recent college graduates

Or perhaps the worst part is how warmly he spoke about his current girlfriend

I think the worst part is that I felt relief when I heard these words, happy we had both moved on

Maybe the worst part is I never saw it coming

Or perhaps the worst part is that since we were walking, I was comfortable having drinks

I think the worst part is that I felt safe with him

Maybe the worst part is that when we said goodnight and I walked him to the door, I thought our night was over

Or perhaps the worst part is that it wasn’t over for him

I think the worst part is that I felt safe going alone to my bedroom, a little drunk, flopping onto my bed with the lights off

Maybe the worst part came when I realized I wasn’t alone after all, when I felt his hand on my hips, when he unbuckled my jeans

Or perhaps the worst part is that I did nothing to stop him 

I think the worst part is that he left without saying a word

Maybe the worst part is that I never heard from him again

Or, the worst part is the many years it took me to learn that the blame was not mine to carry.