by Anonymous
For a while, I took cold showers on purpose. At first, I didn’t have a choice in the matter. Our gas had been shut off because we weren’t paying the bill.
The next time I did it because I wanted to lose weight. I’d heard a rumor you could lose a pound from standing in cold water for ten minutes. I think you probably burned calories from shivering. My teeth chatter. I’ve got a jawline now.
The average adult has around 50 billion fat cells.
Try my best I can’t stand to stay in it for too long. I’d dip in one limb at a time. Arm first, pinpricked by goose bumps, hair standing up, a skinny little forest. Then my leg.
I’ve been off and on the Keto diet. I’ve been intermittently fasting.
Your fat is not just a layer of padding—it’s actually an organ of the endocrine system.
I never went to a dance in high school. I wore baggy clothes. I tried to hide my body. I ran away shy from what little attention I got. I weighed 190 pounds my senior year.
Fat cells can grow up to 1,000 times their original size.
In high school, I swam with a t-shirt over my swimsuit. If I swam at all.
The term bulimia comes from Greek βουλιμία boulīmia, "ravenous hunger", a compound of βοῦς bous, "ox" and λιμός, līmos, "hunger". Literally, the scientific name of the disorder, bulimia nervosa, translates to "nervous ravenous hunger".
I was 21 the first time I puked on purpose. You have to use the middle two fingers. You have to reach far back, apply pressure, irritate the throat.
Bulimia nervosa was found to be associated with ischemic heart disease (HR, 6.63; 95% CI, 3.34-13.13), atherosclerosis (HR, 6.94; 95% CI, 3.08-15.66), and cardiac conduction defects (HR, 2.99; 95% CI, 1.57-5.71).
Every time it’s the same. Tears stream down my face. Like something much bigger is being released from inside me. Let go. Snot drips down mixing in. I force my hand and push until there is nothing left. Until I dry heave. I puke until I feel empty. And then It feels better.
When a person had been engaging in self-induced vomiting regularly and then suddenly stop engaging in the behavior, the salivary glands in front of their ears (cheeks) may begin to swell. This makes their cheeks look swollen.
I waited until everyone had gone to bed.
Fat cells do not disappear, they only shrink. Working out and losing weight only shrinks your fat cells and doesn’t reduce the count.
I snuck out of my room quietly. In my hand was a plastic grocery bag. Double lined. Inside that was a mixture of trash and vomit. The bag jiggled like a water balloon. Suddenly I felt something warm on my hand. The bag was leaking. I’d left a trail.
We turn over about 8% of our fat cells each year.
I dug into the kitchen trash through a mess of coffee grounds and eggshells. It didn’t matter because my arm was already slimy. I buried the bag down, deep down.
And then I washed my hands with dish soap.
One of the main health consequences of bulimic subjects is injury to the gastrointestinal tract.
It isn’t until later that the dry heave features a sharp new pain in my stomach. It took six years to draw blood. I lost a tooth shortly after. Now and then I still feel it in my throat. A pain. A scratch. A wound.
Disordered eating is often developed as a coping mechanism as a result of sexual traumas such as rape, molestation, harassment, and other forms of abuse. In fact, research shows that about 30% of patients dealing with disordered eating have also experienced sexual abuse in childhood.
When I was a child I felt dirty because of the way in which he touched me. I used to scratch my skin. Back and forth back and forth. Like scrubbing. But too much. I drew blood. There are scars on my skin. One of which I wear on my right wrist. It almost looks like a bracelet.
Findings show that more severe, more frequent, or longer-lasting sexual abuse is linked to an increased risk of engaging in self-harm in one's adult years.
It’s that big thing I don’t talk about. Another cloud over my family’s head. It’s worse than you imagine, and that’s hoping I didn’t block out something even worse than that. Because I might have. There is a conflict in my memories. And I’m afraid to ask. When did the neighbor boy leave? How does the story end?
It might just be what it is and nothing more. It’s plenty already. It's already too much. I bear the weight of it all. It hangs on me. Something heavy. I fall down crushed beneath it sometimes. And then when I can’t stand back up all that’s left for me to do is a slow crawl forward. Dragging the weight of my body. Full bulk.
Self-harm is often seen with other mental health problems like PTSD or substance abuse. For this reason, it does not tend to be treated separately from other mental health problems.
It still boils within me. I still pick at my skin as if I could peel away the past, remove it. I do tattoos sometimes. I try to channel it. Redirect.
The following are the most common symptoms of a mood disorder:
Ongoing sad, anxious, or “empty” mood.
Feeling hopeless or helpless.
Having low self-esteem.
Feeling inadequate or worthless.
Excessive guilt.
But It’s a little better in the summer. Isn’t everything? In the summer weight melts off me. I fluctuate by about ten pounds.
Research has repeatedly shown that child sexual abuse can have a very serious impact on physical and mental health, as well as later sexual adjustment. Depending on the severity of and number of traumas experienced, child sexual abuse can have wide-reaching and long-lasting effects. Those who have suffered multiple traumas and received little parental support may develop post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, and anxiety. Their ability to trust adults to take care of them may also be jeopardized. Sadly, when children do not disclose sexual abuse and/or do not receive effective counseling, they can suffer difficulties long into the future. As one child expressed it, “Abuse is like a boomerang. If you don’t deal with it, it can come back to hurt you.”
I was five when it happened. Half of ten.
Maybe if you can locate the center you can make sense of the whole. Understand the size of a thing. The mass.
We have a fixed number of fat cells once adulthood is reached. Overeating as a child can overextend your fat limit as an adult.
Summer sunlight sheds some skin cells for me, milks out my sweat, and I feel better. I develop a tan and it hides my scars, makes the hard edges of my tattoos begin to soften and blur.
Exercise improves mental health by reducing anxiety, depression, and negative mood and by improving self-esteem and cognitive function. Exercise has also been found to alleviate symptoms such as low self-esteem and social withdrawal.
I just recently noticed that I lost too much weight to still fit into an old skirt of mine. I haven’t cut myself for nearly a year. I haven’t needed a tattoo for five months. And I haven’t forced myself to puke for three years.
Muscle weighs more than fat. So the more muscle you build, the easier it would become for you to burn calories and maintain your weight.
Between. The middle of here and there. The center if you can find it. If you understand the beginning and ending. If you can make out the border, discern the outline of a shape. But I’ve never been very good at seeing myself. I was still puking at 140 pounds. I still call myself fat. I still don’t know what it is and I doubt what I’ve got. All I can do is move forward. Maybe, stretch my back, shift the weight.
Fat cells die at the rate of 150 per second.
I know that I’ve improved in some ways. I’m not always shy now. I hide my body less. Sometimes I even show it off. Now and then I feel proud of myself.
Strength training may enhance your quality of life and improve your ability to do everyday activities.
Makes you stronger.
Burns calories efficiently.
Decreases abdominal fat.
Can help you appear leaner.
Improves heart health.
Helps manage your blood sugar levels.
It can be hard to see your own progress. The same way it’s hard to see yourself in entirety. To see the bones through the fat. Perhaps weight will always feel like a burden. But maybe it’s good to look back, at your old self, at where you were then compared to now, follow the trail of warm liquid mess you’ve left in your wake, because you might start to notice how far you’ve come, realize how you’ve grown, and finally recognize strength.
Works Cited